I am a very bitter man. I am still bitter about things that happened almost 15 years ago. Bitterness can be brought up by a person simply smiling in a picture. But mostly it is brought up by relationships. Or the lack thereof when speaking of me. Somehow I have managed to live 25 years in a state of constant bitterness without falling apart (psychologically speaking), even though I do have many problems. So maybe I have broken.
I know I have created these demons for me. I cannot let go of them. Being alone and being lonely (two concepts so close, and yet so far from each other) are all that I have; and yet I want to get rid of them. But then again, if jealously and bitterness are all that I have, things aren’t quite ok then. What is left if you remove bitterness from a man with nothing but that bitterness?
A psychologist once analysed me like this: “narri’s social immaturity and confined social skills can can expose him to interaction disturbances in the field of human relations.” Also she said that: “narri can have a hard time to recognise other people’s needs and points of interests, so social situations may feel chaotic to him from time to time.”
I will not claim that I am special for this. But I am sure that the world I see is not the same sane people see. You see (if you haven’t read this blog before) I am a schizophrenic. Or, I suffer from psychotic depression, and have suffered for years now. Who knows? Doctors should. But what to do when one doctor says one and another the other?
This has nothing to do with bitterness anymore. Except that I am bitter and I am sick. A multi-crippled lunatic. I know that everything I’ve written here is complete and utter bullshit. With the exception of those quotes, and the fact that I cannot be without feeling bitter about everything.